Feeling a lot like Tyler Durden…but not as cool

We’ve all been raised on television to believe that one day we’d all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won’t. And we’re slowly learning that fact. And we’re very, very pissed off. – Fight Club


Some time this evening, I encountered a low point in my emotions.


This is quite common, really.  Especially as of late.


My emotions go up and down a lot lately.  I’ve experienced a huge amount of change in the last eight months, nearly all of which has been difficult to deal with, but anyway, this isn’t entirely about my feelings.  Well, it is, but not their moving trends.


Anyway, tonight, it really sank in that my life has not, to date, become this wonderful thing that I thought it would be. I’m not sure what I thought that wonderful thing might be, but this isn’t it.  Granted, there are some good parts, such as my getting married in a few months, and having a stable job, but beyond that, there is an extreme lacking in any pizzazz, a loft apartment in New York, and a six figure a year income.  Where was I promised such lofty goals, you ask?

Sitcoms.  Namely, How I Met Your Mother, The Big Bang Theory, and others.

I was promised this sort of life, where you make lots of money but don’t work very hard for it and never have to leave the bar unless it’s to go home and sleep for awhile, then you get up, go do something fun with your day, and then do it all over again that night (with the occasional trip to a movie, club, party, or other fun thing to do).  Television has promised me this life is possible all pretty much following college (mid to late twenties).  I am 23, so maybe I’m just being impatient, but…


Upon this realization, I became very angry that my life wasn’t better than this. I was very, very pissed off, to quote the Durden.


Now, the key word here is was, not is.  Obviously, this can be taken to be a big heavy bite of sarcasm, but there are points to be made here. Why do people in their twenty-somethings have such a hard time adjusting to life following college?  Because the life they’ve been promised isn’t there.  The real world is hard and difficult and chews up and spits out the weak, leaving behind not the strong, but the downtrodden, the sullen, the apathetic.  We had great dreams of being doctors, astronauts, lawyers and other professions that only a lucky few (or perhaps a rich few) can achieve.  The rest of us work low pay jobs for a minimum of 40 hours a week just eking by to pay off those student loans for that philosophy degree that makes us feel wise. It’s no wonder we’re depressed, or why some people just stay in college.  It was, for all intents and purposes, better then.  Now, we go to work, come home to our cheap apartment (or our parents home) and maybe watch TV, looking at the life we were promised, knowing that we can’t reach that.


Well, that’s not the life I want.  I want greatness from where I am, realizing every minute I have is good, even if I feel worthless. I’m tired of putting my hand to the plow and looking back, so I’m going to get on plowing this field, tilling the soil, and making stuff grow from it, however small my plot may be.  It will grow with time, if I will just stop griping about how small it is now.  I”m not entitled to more, I’m entitled to what I presently have, and what I have can produce so much fruit it could feed more than just me.  It’s the same with your garden too!  Till it, grow stuff in it, and share with others!  You may not feel like you have much (believe me, I don’t), but share what you have!  It’s not just for you!


So, as my emotions ride their vicious roller coaster (and probably yours too sometimes), I’ll continue to till my plot.


(I know this comes across as preachy, but hey, it’s my blog.  Get over it.)


One thought on “Feeling a lot like Tyler Durden…but not as cool

  1. Saw your comment on SCL and followed you here to this post. I can relate – within the context of my own experiences…. Soft Xes are still hard. But when you’re fighting sadness and disappointment, despair is the big bad looming in the shadows, just waiting to sink its claws into you when you’re at your most vulnerable. Check out Lamentations 3 – there’s a fellow who knows depression and suffering yet is able to resist despair.

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